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| Posted by: Rembrandt |
10/16/2007 9:34 PM |
I had a surreal euphony this evening. I was sitting in Logan airport, and suddenly realized that in the past seven days, I have been in four cities: Las Vegas, Hartford, Boston and Baltimore.
Traveling via the magical tin cans called ‘airplanes’, can be weird when you do a great deal of it in a short time. I was sitting in Logan airport, looking around, and I saw most of the stereotypical archetypes of today’s air traveler:
The Concerned Businessman: This gentleman has a briefcase, a cell phone, and no checked luggage. He may or may not have an oversized ‘wheeling’ piece of luggage which he will attempt to pass off as a carry on bag. He will be reading the Wall Street Journal, typing on his laptop, or otherwise engaged on said previously mentioned cell phone, normally at a loud volume. He will be dressed in khaki with a button down shirt at the very least, with older members of this species will ruffle their plumage in a sports jacket or full suit.
The Scruffy Student: Predominately male, this traveler will be wearing jeans [Ragged at the cuff], some form of sandal, a t-shirt, and possibly an anorak. They will commonly be sitting on the floor, listening to an I-pod or watching a movie on their laptop (without headphones). Occasionally they will be playing a PSP or Game boy, but often distain that as ‘for kids’. Carryon will consist of laptop bag, and usually a student’s backpack.
The High Maintenance Bitch: This species travels alone, by choice of course. They want you to notice them, and in fact, calculate most of their actions to cause that reaction. Nails (both hand and foot) are manicured, and shoes – designer of course – are worn to display them. Jeans or pants, are tight, almost into the Camel Display range - again with the designer logo properly displayed. Hair is immaculate; makeup is from MAC, the purse Elizabeth Arden. The younger examples will be wearing Paris Hilton 70’s retro glasses while displaying a bitchy pout at all times. The older members of this breed with forgo the shades, instead choosing to accent their Botox treatments with heavy jewelry display – mostly diamonds.
The Post Adolescent Girls: Occasionally traveling with, but not near the Nuclear (Reactive) Family [below], these girls tend to be in groups of two or three, they emulate the H.M.B, in their clothing and accessories, but they do not have the polish and carriage of the High Maintenance Bitch. They have a tendency to cluster and giggle, while stealing glances at the author, which makes him slightly nervous, or feel slightly lecherous. Carry on bags tend to be make-up cases and larger ‘beach sized’ hand bags stuffed with goods. They tend to be oblivious to the world around them, and move at their own speed – especially when boarding a plane or stowing luggage in an overhead bin.
The Nuclear (Reactive) Family: The nuclear reactive family is slightly endangered by nature. They tend to be seen occasionally, and mostly during daytime hours. The size and reaction time of this beast, precludes them appearing in any given area in large numbers. The nuclear reactive family earns its name from both its explosive nature, and its fast moving particles. It is generally comprised of several of the following :
The Immobile Child: Smaller in physical height, but average in girth, this species sits, and stays sitting. New spotters will often mistake the small devices they stare into as part of their actual anatomy, but they are in fact usually small electronic devices such as video game systems or entertainment jukeboxes. They normally ignore their surroundings totally, a survival trait for sure considering the rest of their herd.
The Mobile Child: Sometimes a separate being, sometimes another form of the Immobile Child, the Mobile child is its polar opposite. This little creature can *NOT* sit still. It bounds and cavorts all over the terminal, knocking over luggage and occasionally people with abandon. The species is apparently deaf, as it can not heed the bellows of the Frustrated Father, nor the pitiful mewling of the Burned out Mother. Seems to try to communicate in whining tones often.
The Frustrated Father: This poor breed can often be seen staring at its pack mates in disbelief. Its eyes are often a goggle, and it tends to speak in loud, single syllable outbursts, punctuated with a resounding slap or grumble. Alternating its aggressive stance between Immobile or Mobile child, and the Burned out Mother – it can often be seen chastising both for either doing or not doing too much.
The Burned out Mother: Always a female, this being often sits in place, with a glazed look upon its face. Sometimes making a brief attempt to control the mobile child, or placate the Frustrated Father, but normally adopting a posture of ambivalence. Will often stare other members of its pack unit down if they ‘go too far’, but otherwise is willing to just ignore them, hoping they go away.
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